Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
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my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!