everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
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DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.