When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
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If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Sorry not sorry.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic