{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
You Might Also Like
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Ok, but like, how married are you?
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.