When libraries troll their patrons.
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My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Never forget.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Happy Thanksgiving
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.