if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
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okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”