*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
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Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.