COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
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He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!