Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
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Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
lol
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”