Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
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Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
The glory of fall.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it