11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
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[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.