[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.