“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
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My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.