Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
What an awful time to have common sense.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?