The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
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Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
girls literally only want one thing..
tis the season
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No