Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
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Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker