Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
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Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
This was a bad idea all around