I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
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Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I’m crying im so happy for them
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Birds & Planes.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.