When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there