Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
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I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one