Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
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The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Wait a second…
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery