If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
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Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??