I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
You Might Also Like
real
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
smartest karate player in the world
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying