I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
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I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors