Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
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Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.