A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
You Might Also Like
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.