My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
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This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD