I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
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[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
good work, everybody
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Can’t. Being lazy.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
December birthdays be like…
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
first date idea we go to marriage counseling