Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
❤️🦆
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.