Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
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I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?