My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
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Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Lmao the reply
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?