landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
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[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
absolutely not
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?