If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
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*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.