“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
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Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}