Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?