“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do