“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
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Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me