DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
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Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks