my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
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I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.