Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
They did not think through this water fountain
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.