[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
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my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
This is a bad sign
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.