“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
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GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
@ candidates for local office
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking