I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
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If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot