the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
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people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I told my vodka about you.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.