You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
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I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Hell yeah 👍
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Mission: Impossible