Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
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Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
need a new bf mines broken 😐