Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
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i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.