inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*