Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
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Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
How high do the levels go?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…