You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My dad.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
March 16
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.